Vino Keeno, The Grapevine for the Recreational Wino

Chateau Petrogasm, I LOVE you. I want to pop several corks with you, and find myself in a compromising position in the morning. Yes, I’d even do the walk of shame for you, Chateau Petrogasm. My butt is firmly planted on the bandwagon. I’ll be your largest sycophantic follower.

What in the heck is Chateau Petrogasm?

It is a wine review website, of course. What did you think it was?

Why all the gushing?

Because the lovely folk at Chateau Petrogasm have boiled the art of wine reviewing down to it’s purest form. Never before have I seen a more brilliant take on the whole industry. Their style exposes the feeling of the wine, in a way that transcends words, obliterates language barriers and says more than any verbose wine label, sniffy descriptor or hoity-toity tasting note could accomplish.

How do they achieve such a feat?

Simple. They just post one image as the wine review. A photograph. That’s it. No aromatic intangibles. No descriptions of dirt or vines or climate. No lengthy discourses on flavors you’ll never pick up on. One picture.

As a graphic designer and wine lover, I am in awe of the simplicity of their wine reviewing tactics. Jealous as hell I didn’t think of it, but mainly, I want to bear Chateau Petrogasm’s love child. And if I could drink all of those spendy wines in the process, that wouldn’t hurt either.

Well played, Chateau Petrogasm. I humbly genuflect. And I’ll see you at 8.

(Click here to see which wine was reviewed with a photo of a horse’s ass.)

During a recent trip to the wine warehouse, I was struck by some big numbers. 7, 8 and 9 just jumped right off the shelf at me, so naturally a theme was born. My quest was to find wines with 1-10 in the name for review. No real rhyme or reason, just lots of numbers. With the help of my parents, we located every number, save one. Well, not one because we have one for one. But I don’t have one for six. I am missing a bottle for number six. Got it? Anyway, these are the wines up for review:

Alsace One Pierre Sparr 2002
Two Tone Farm 2003 Merlot
3 Rings Shiraz 2004
Four Emus 2003 Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz Merlot
Five Rivers Cabernet Sauvignon 2003
7 Deadly Zins 2004 Zinfandel
Cellar No. 8 Cabernet Sauvignon 2003
9 Mile Road 2004 Shiraz
Evolution 10th Edition

While I’ll be reviewing the nine wines listed above, I challenge my tens of readers to find a wine with either the word or number six in the name. I completely stumped the guys at the wine warehouse and they couldn’t come up with anything. It’s up to you, internets.

I’m not sure there is anything worse than a red wine snob taking a “What Kind of Wine Are You?” quiz and getting Chardonnay. I even took it twice.

You Are Chardonnay

Fresh, spirited, and classic – you have many facets to your personality. You can be sweet and light. Or deep and complex. You have a little bit of something to offer everyone… no wonder you’re so popular. Approachable and never smug, you are easy to get to know (and love!). Deep down you are: Dependable and modest Your partying style: Understated and polite Your company is enjoyed best with: Cold or wild meat

Click the image above to watch a You Tube tutorial on how to win a $50 bet at your next soiree.

Modern Drunkard Magazine has posted the 2007 Wino Sign Awards, otherwise known as The Wineys. And in true WebWino “I love a good Blah Blah Blah” fashion, here is a link to my favorite one. (Although “Ninjas killed my family- Need money for kung-fu lessons” is brilliant!)

While you are perusing the very entertaining site, be sure to check out the Wino Wisdom. There are some classics in there, including this gem, “The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, ‘Are you gonna drink that’?”

What’s that you say? Are there any quality Star Trek drinking references at the Modern Drunkard? Why yes, yes indeedy-doo there are. A whole hilarious page chock full of them. Check out Space, The Wino Frontier.

1000 Best Wine Secrets by Carolyn Hammond
$12.95

Book Cover said:
Are you unsure about the appropriate way to taste wine at a restaurant? Or confused about which wine to order with catfish? 1000 Best Wine Secrets contains all the information novice and experienced wine drinkers need to feel at home in any restaurant, home or vineyard.

Secrets include: Buying the perfect bottle of wine, Serving wine like a pro, Wine tips from around the globe, Choosing the right bottle of wine for any occasion, Detecting faulty wine and sending it back, Understanding wine labels.

If you are tired of not knowing the proper wine etiquette, 1000 Best Wine Secrets is the only book you will need to become a wine connoisseur.

WebWino says:
This book rocks. The only way to make it better, is if it were to come bundled with the memory to retain all of the wonderful secrets. Technically, I suppose writing it down and putting it in the handy, easy-to-use book would qualify, but I would just be so wine-saavy if I could spout these wine factoids off without having to consult a cheat sheet first. Go go gadget-memory!

The 1000 secrets include insight on wine selection, buying, ordering, pairing with food, wine tasting, flavors from around the world, storage, myths and terminology.

Here’s a handy one for us wine reviewers:

#975 Attack: A tasting term that refers to the initial flavor of the wine when it hits the palate.

I like that. I’m going to think of being under attack as a positive from now on. Also:

#754 The leading producers of Zinfandel are Raveswood and Rosenblum. Zinfandel is one of the best value red wines around today.

Why do I like #754? Because I’ve reviewed a Rosenblum on this site before (granted, not a Zin, but I’m familiar with the brand) and I have a Ravenswood Zin sitting on my wine rack. Oh yeah baby, validation!

#18 Better wines are usually found in heavier bottles. This is a clue to quality.

Huh. Good to know.

In addition, Appendix A is extremely valuable, with 50 best wines under $20. It’s a cheapskate’s dream come true! I hope to review some of those cheapies inexpensive selections soon.

I think my only criticism of this book would be that you can’t just open the book and read a tip all willy-nilly like. The secrets are contextual, and typically continue the idea in the previous tip. Not really a criticism, more like a heads up for those of you who like to simply open the book and gain random wisdom nuggets.

So thumbs up from this Recreational Wino. Who knows, with all the info I glean from this book I might move up the ranks to Respectable Wino someday soon! Stay tuned!

By Chip Bok of the Akron Beacon Journal

Hugh MacLeod has a brilliant blog at gapingvoid.com. It is primarily made up of cartoons he has drawn on the back of business cards. They are fantastic.

The reason why I bring them up on this wine blog, however, is because he is a marketing and blogging consultant for Stormhoek, a small South African vineyard, whose “hacker” approach to wine making is currently getting a lot of attention in the wine trade. He has a page of his cartoons designed to be Stormhoek wine labels and you have got to check them out. I’m sold… as soon as I see this in a shop, I’m buying it.

My favorite: “By the second bottle we had solved ALL the world’s problems. We rock.”

Up until recently, I hadn’t given much thought to what it takes to become a sommelier, let alone a Master Sommelier. Apparently to achieve that lofty goal, you have to undergo a grueling set of tests that prove your mastery in wine, grapes, regions, tasting, serving… all things wine related. There are only 120 Master Sommeliers in the world. And of those 120, only 13 are women. Talk about an elite group.

Recently, my parents went to a wine tasting. Nothing earth shattering there. Sponsored by the Cleveland Wine School, it was called “Mastering Pinot Noir” and it was held at the Ritz-Carlton in downtown Cleveland, Ohio. No big, right? Well, they learned “through the grapevine’ {wine humor} that there were five Master Sommeliers in attendance at this seemingly run-of-the-mill wine tasting. Think about it. Only 120 Master Sommeliers on the planet, and five of them attend the same wine tasting. Now that is out of the ordinary. (Especially for Cleveland… ZING!)

While they are seated and waiting for the meal to begin, a woman walked up and introduced herself and asked to join my parents and a few other couples at their table. Of course, normal operating procedure, right?

Turns out, the woman who joined their table was Madeline Triffon. She is a world famous Master Sommelier. She was the first female to ever achieve the rank of Master Sommelier in the US (second in the world). Even more impressive, she passed the test on her first try. Apparently the average is 2-5 attempts before passing. The reason why there were so many Master Sommeliers in attendance was because they all wanted to spend time with Madeline Triffon.

Not only did my parents get to know this lovely lady and talk about wine with her, they also got to be the proverbial “fly on the wall” for all the kibbitzing between Master Sommeliers, since they all came over to talk shop throughout the meal.

How awesome is that? They simply went out for a nice wine tasting, and whammo. They ended up rubbing elbows with the greats. Naturally, they learned lots of tidbits about wine (especially Pinots), and had a special occasion made even more special with Madeline Triffon’s presence. Wow. Lucky dogs.

In honor of my parents’ Pinot wine tasting with the greats, I have a handful of Pinot Noir reviews I’ll be posting soon. No, they don’t all qualify as greats, but at least they do make for a theme. Stay tuned.